


Five Stages

by Risingwood



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: College Life, Fluff, Kisses, M/M, Nothing explicit, brim - Freeform, lots of gay, self harm mention just a reference to it though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 00:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5070925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Risingwood/pseuds/Risingwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The five stages that Tim and Brian's relationship go through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Stages

** I. Meeting. **

 

“Hey, I’m Brian.”

Tim looks up from the library.Standing in front of him is another university student, with his hand outstretched to him.Tim stares at the hand, before going back to writing in his notebook.Maybe if he ignores this guy, he’ll leave.No such luck.The student, supposedly named Brian, takes a seat next to Tim.

“What are you writing?” he asks Tim, leaning over to see the notebook better.Tim instinctively hunches his shoulders over, shielding the words on the page.

“Nothing,” he says, eyeing Brian.His short, blond hair was slightly unkempt, and Tim thinks about telling Brian that he’s due for a haircut.Before he can say anything, Brian opens his mouth to talk again.

“Is it poetry?That’s what it looks like from here, at least.”

“Yeah,” Tim replies slowly, deciding to just close the notebook altogether.He slides it into his backpack and stands up from the table.Maybe he can just walk away.He has a doctor’s appointment soon, anyways.Going towards the exit, he hears the sound of a chair being pushed in and inwardly groans.

“Hey, wait up!” Brian’s at his side in mere seconds, walking alongside Tim.They leave the library together, Tim waiting until they're in the hallway to say anything.

“Why are you following me?” he asks plainly.This guy is really starting to annoy him, and he wants him to leave him alone.

“I want to be your friend,” Brian says, flashing a grin and making Tim want to roll his eyes.This is stupid, Tim decides, speeding up his walking pace.

“What’s your name?” Brian asks brightly.

“Tim.”He checks the time on his phone, trying to make it seem like he has somewhere to be.“Look, I gotta run to an appointment.”

“Okay, that’s cool.I’ll see you later!”Brian slows down and waves to Tim.

“Yeah.”Tim halfheartedly raises a hand in goodbye as he turns the corner.

The following weeks, Tim starts to see Brian around everywhere.He finds Tim during lunch hours and sits with him.He somehow ends up in the same math class as him once the new semester starts.He waves to Tim when they pass each other outside or in the hallways.Tim doesn’t know what this guys’s deal is, but as time goes on, he finds himself feeling less and less irritated about it.He doesn’t know why, but he realizes that he kind of _likes_ interacting with the other male.

The months pass, and at some point something just snaps, and they become inseparable.The worst thing about it, Tim decides, it that he can’t help but be truly _happy_ for the first time in his life.He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so much positivity in his life.

As he sits on Brian’s dorm floor, listening to the other man talk about his family back home, he smiles to himself.Tim hopes it never stops.

 

 

**II. Friendship.**

 

They spend the entire night eating cheap pizza and writing little melodies on Tim’s ukulele.At the sound of Brian’s phone alerting him of a text, Tim checks the time.  
“Uh, it’s almost three in the morning,” Tim says, placing his instrument into its case under the bed. “Should we go to sleep or just pull an all-nighter again?” Something inside him wants to stay awake with Brian, despite his body practically yelling that it needs sleep.

“We should probably sleep,” Brian replies, yawning.

Tim nods and Brian looks at him.He needs to come up with something quick, if he wants to make Brian stay.Stalling for time to find an excuse, he stretches his arms out, a few bones popping as they move for the first time in a few hours.

“Wanna just stay here for the night?That way you don’t have to walk back to your dorm in the dark.”He’s proud of himself for thinking of that fast.Brian smiles and Tim feels warmth inside him.

“Yeah, I’ll do that.I hate being alone in my dorm room anyway.”He unzips his hoodie and rolls it up, tossing it to the side. “It’s nicer being here with you.”

Tim fights the fluttering in his stomach at Brian’s comment.“Here, take these.” He throws a pillow from his bed at Brian, who catches it, as well as the blanket that follows it.“I have a blanket on here already, I won’t get cold,” he says as Brian opens his mouth to say something.Brian just grins, a sign that Tim did intact predict what he was about to say.

The next few minutes are quiet, after Brian shuts the light off and the two of them get into their beds.It’s almost impossible to see Brian’s form on the floor next to his bed.Tim fights with himself over something he wants to ask.He works up the courage, and finally speaks.

“This is… kind of a weird question,” he starts, clearing his throat a second after he asks.He sees motion to his left, and he can barely see Brian’s face as it turns towards him.Swallowing a lump in his throat, he continues. “What’s kissing like?”

The silence that follows his question is unnerving.Tim wants to pull the covers over his head and hide.He feels like a little kid again, terrified to say anything on his mind to anybody.It was a stupid question and he wishes he hadn’t said anything.

“You’ve never kissed anybody?”Brian’s voice is quiet, and a bit of Tim’s fear slips away.

“I’ve never even had a friend, let alone someone who was interested in me that way.”It feels awkward coming from his mouth, and he almost wishes Brian would cut the conversation off, so that he can stop saying silly things to his kind-of-crush, if the feelings he has for Brian can even be labelled as such.

“Kissing is like… It’s weird,” Brian starts.“I mean, it’s nice, but it feels a bit strange at first.”Tim can see Brian gesturing with his hands as he speaks. “I don’t think I can really explain it.”

Tim nods and hums.Brian’s answer doesn’t help at all, and he starts planning another question in his head to help clarify, but Brian beats him to it.

“How about I just show you?That’ll be easier.”

Tim’s heart just about stops. “Uh… w-hat?” he stutters, surprised.That was the last thing he was expecting. “What do you mean by that?”At his question, he sees Brian sit up and push the blanket off of himself.

“I’ll kiss you,” Brian says in that cheery voice that Tim both simultaneously hates and loves.“That’s the best way to know what it feels like.Experience.”He doesn’t leave Tim any time to say anything in response, opting to crawl on his knees over to Tim’s bedside.He leans on it, practically right next to Tim’s head.“What do you say?”He asks.

Tim is at a loss for words, but he sits up.What can he even say?Does he even _want_ to kiss Brian?Yes, he definitely does.The more he thinks about it, as Brian moves to sit next to him on the edge of the bed, the more he wants to.He knows his feelings are unrequited, but maybe once they do this, Tim will stop thinking of Brian the way he does now.Biting his lip, he nods, knowing that it’s a mistake as soon as he does it.Brian smiles, and Tim can barely see him in the dark, even at such a close distance.Brian places his hands on the sides of Tim’s face, and suddenly their faces are close.

“Is this okay?You haven’t said anything.I don’t want to overstep your boundaries.”

Tim almost laughs.The whole situation is so… _odd_ to him.Here they are, best friends, about to kiss, and Brian has to ask if this is okay.“Yeah.It’s fine.”His voice cracks against his will, but he doesn’t care too much.All he can focus on is the warmth of Brian’s palms, now one on his neck and the other on his right side just under his chin.He sees Brian smile, and suddenly there’s pressure on his mouth.

It’s… _weird._ Brian was right, Tim says to himself.It’s not a normal feeling.He’s not sure if he likes it, the way Brian’s lips are moving against his own at the moment.Then Brian moves away an inch or two.

“You’re all stiff.You have to move with me if you want it to feel nice.”He doesn’t give Tim a chance to respond, pressing his lips to Tim’s again.

This time, Tim tries to do what Brian told him.He moves his mouth against Brian’s awkwardly, unsure of exactly what to do.His hands are clenched on his knees and he squeezes his eyes shut, hoping it will help to just shut out one of his senses.The kiss makes him feel warm inside, as it really hits him just what’s happening.He’s kissing Brian.

He feels Brian’s hand on his neck tighten a bit, pulling Tim’s body forward.Tim tries to think of something to do, he feels so strange doing this, but he enjoys it and doesn’t want it to end any time soon.Slowly, he unclenches his fists and lifts a hand, stopping in midair before softly placing it on the back of Brian’s head.Brian freezes, and for a moment Tim thinks he’s done something wrong.He’s about to pull back, when Brian grips him harder and pulls him even closer.

Tim makes a small noise in his throat in surprise, and suddenly Brian is opening Tim’s mouth with his own, deepening their kiss.It’s unexpected, and Tim stiffens.Brian seems to notice, and he pulls away quickly.

“Sorry,” Brian whispers. “I got a bit carried away.”

Tim says nothing, too busy replaying the kiss in his mind over and over again.He can feel his breath on his lips from their proximity, and he smiles softly.

“Whoa,” he says, mentally hitting himself for sounding like an idiot.Brian laughs breathlessly, making Tim smile. “Can we do that again?” Tim blurts out without thinking.

Brian lets out another small laugh, and Tim feels a bit silly for asking.He doesn’t even try hiding the affectionate grin on his face.

“Of course we can,” Brian says moving in for what would be the next of many kisses that night.

 

 

**III. Trust.**

 

As soon as Tim sends the text message, he knows he’s made a mistake.He’s irritated after a full day of filming for Alex’s movie, and it certainly shows in the message he sent.He knows Brian’s on his way, as he always comes over when Tim is irritated or feeling any other negative emotion.Tim tries to just keep reading the book on his desk, but he can’t help the slight annoyance that he’s feeling.He doesn’t want to be disturbed today, filming drained him earlier, and he’s in the mood where anything can set him off.

Sure enough, his door swings open after a few minutes, with Brian in the doorway.

“Let’s go swimming!” He says excitedly, closing Tim’s door behind him.“It’ll take your mind off of filming and everything.”Brian’s grinning, Tim doesn’t have to even look at him to know that.

“No,” Tim responds bluntly.

“What?Why not?You have a swimsuit, don’t you?”Brian walks across the room, taking a seat on Tim’s bed.“If not, you can just borrow one of mine.”

Tim glances up from his book to see Brian’s bright, inviting smile.Usually he would be delighted to see it, but now it just makes him wish he’d never sent that text.“I have one, I just don’t want to swim.”He doesn’t want Brian to question any further, but he knows better than to hope that Brian will leave something like this alone.

“Why?” Brian asks, taking a seat on the edge of Tim’s bed.Tim shakes his head in response, prompting Brian to speak again. “Will you at least just tell me why?”

“No,” Tim can feel a headache coming on, the full irritation finally setting in.“Just drop it.I’m not swimming.” He wants, _needs,_ Brian to stop his line of questions.Nobody else knows his reasons, and Tim wants to keep it that way.He tries to focus on the text below him, but his minds fills with bad memories again, clogging any self-control parts of his brain.

“Tim, just tell me why you won’t swim, and I’ll let you go.”Brian looks at Tim with pleading eyes, but it doesn’t work on Tim this time.His face heats up as he shuts his book.

“Fine,” Tim snaps, standing up from his chair abruptly.“You want to know so badly why I don’t want to?”He pushes up a sleeve and lifts a bit of his shirt up, exposing an arm and a small part of his stomach.Brian stares at the faded marks on his skin, scars from many years ago that refuse go away.“ _This_ ,” Tim continues, anger boiling within. “ _This_ is why, Brian. _This_ is fucking why.”He re-covers himself completely, glaring at Brian with clenched fists.Sitting back down in his chair, he so desperately wants to calm down.The guilt from yelling at his best friend is already setting in.

“Tim,” Brian says quietly.“I’m sorry.I didn’t know.”

Tim grinds his teeth for a few moments, trying to breathe to calm himself down. “No, you didn't know.You’re just as ignorant as everybody else.”The words are venomous, but Tim can’t stop them. “Go get one of your other, better friends to go swimming with you.”

Brian doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, and Tim’s heart is racing.He knows he’s hurting Brian with his words, but it feels so _good_ to get things off his chest.He makes a mental note to schedule more meetings with his psychologist.Apparently monthly appointments aren’t enough if he can’t even stop himself from shouting at the one person he really cares about.As Tim beats himself up in his own head, Brian speaks again.

“I’m staying here with you,” he says.“We’ll just hang out here.I’m not leaving you alone.”

“Why not?” Tim responds. “That’s what everybody else does.”He glances at Brian only to see a small smile on his lips.

“Maybe I’m not like everybody else,” he suggests, meeting Tim’s eyes.Tim rolls his eyes at the cheesy line, but he can’t fight the small smile on his face.

“Yeah.Maybe you’re not.”

 

 

**IV. Confusion.**

 

Tim sighs, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets as him and Brian sit at a table in the club.It isn't every day that he's somewhere like this, but Brian dragged him here to show him tonight’s poetry slam.

After a few brave poets read their pieces, Tim notices Brian looking at him, and he half-glares back, raising an eyebrow in question.Brian hums, smiling.Tim knows that look.

“Whatever you’re about to say, I’m saying no to it.”Tim sees right through Brian, he’s more readable than a book.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say, how can you say no?”Brian says with a laugh.He continues, motioning up at the now-empty stage.“You should go up there.”

Tim shakes his head.Sure, he loves _writing_ poetry, but he’s never actually read them aloud.Brian’s read a few, but the thought of anybody else knowing his inner thoughts makes him nervous.

“But you have really good poetry!” Brian whispers as the next poet gets up on stage.Luckily, they’re sitting near the back, so their hushed tones won’t be heard by the rest of the people there.“You would stun the audience with your excellence.”

“My poems are shitty.No.”Tim really doesn’t want to go up there.He shifts his gaze away from Brian.

“Don’t say that, they’re nothing shy of amazing.I know you have them memorized, too.Please do it?For me?”

Tim bites his lip.His eyes move back to focus on Brian, which is a mistake.Brian’s making a puppy-dog face, the one that always makes Tim give in to what he wants.

“…Fine, I’ll do it,” he responds reluctantly.“But when I get booed off stage, I’m blaming you.”

Brian says nothing, grinning at him as Tim goes to take the place of the poet leaving the stage.He awkwardly shuffles up to the microphone, taking a deep breath.This is the last thing he wants to do, but if it will make Brian happy, he’ll do it.Brian waves from the audience, looking almost like an excited parent at their child’s performance.It makes Tim feel more at ease, and he opens his mouth to begin his poem.As he reads it, his heart pounds in his chest.Adrenaline runs through his veins, and he’s unable to take his eyes off of Brian.

He says the last word of the piece, and immediately turns to step down from the stage.As he walks back to his seat, Brian snaps his fingers with the rest of the audience.Tim makes a motion at the door, signaling to Brian that he wants to leave.Brian nods and follows him out the door.They walk together in silence, back to Brian’s dorm room, just a few minutes away.

“I’m proud of you.”Is the first thing Brian says to him once they enter the room.Tim shrugs his shoulders, receiving a small pat on the head as they sit next to each other on the floor.“I love that poem.It’s my favorite one of yours.The emotion in it is so clear, and the way you wrote it is beautiful.”

Tim says nothing, trying to ignore the flutter in his stomach at Brian’s compliments.

“I have a question, though.Who is it you’re talking about in the piece?”

Of course that’s Brian’s question.The poem has a few different themes, and it does mention someone else in a romantic manner.“It’s nobody,” he says.

“You won’t even tell your best friend?That’s cold, even for you.” Brian raises an eyebrow at him, and Tim looks away.He can’t look at Brian right now.

“I mean that there isn’t anybody.It’s not an actual person or anything, it’s just someone I created for… poetic purposes.”Yes, for poetic purposes.Definitely not for releasing emotions relating to his unrequited feelings.He receives a look of complete disbelief. “Brian, I don’t even talk to anybody besides you.The person doesn’t exist.”

“You talk to Alex when we film.”

Tim snorts.“If you think I wanna get cuddly with that asshole, you need to get your head checked.”Just _thinking_ about the film makes his head hurt.

Brian cocks his head a bit, appearing to be thinking of something else to ask.Tim’s suspicions are confirmed when Brian speaks again.“Well then, tell me something else.Why do you write about things like love?It doesn’t really seem to be your thing.”

“I write about it because it’s… unobtainable.”He chooses his words carefully.“I mean that I’m never going to experience the things I write about, so that’s why I do.”Tim doesn’t want to give too much away, but he can feel himself slipping, as per usual when he’s with Brian.

“Why do you think you won’t experience it?”

Tim meets Brian’s eyes again, sighing.“Because people like me are always left alone.We don’t get chances like the ones I write about.”It’s the truth, he knows it from his own experiences.

“You think you’re not loved?”Brian’s voice is quiet, cautious.

“I guess,” he shrugs in response.

Brian doesn’t speak for a few seconds.Then, in a tiny voice, he says, “Tim, you _are_ loved.”

Tim rolls his eyes.He doesn’t want to hear it.

“Your poetry’s about me, isn’t it?”

The question throws Tim completely off guard, and he stutters out a small "No,” but he can tell that Brian doesn’t buy it.The cat’s out of the bag, and there’s nothing Tim can do about it.

“I knew it.I’m happy,” Brian smiles at Tim, who narrows his eyes.

Brian’s lying, and he knows it.“No you’re not.Now, drop the topic, okay?” His head hurts immensely, the pain causing him a great deal of stress and irritation.His world is falling apart.Brian knows his secret, and is doing this to pity him.

“What can I do that will make you believe me?”Brian asks in earnest, moving to face Tim, kneeling in front of him.

“Can we just forget about this?” Tim diverts his eyes from Brian’s searching ones.

Brian takes a deep breath. “Will this do?” He suddenly grabs the back of Tim’s head.He pulls Tim closer to press his lips to his, leaving Tim no time to react.It’s all so sudden that it leaves Tim completely in shock.Surprised, Tim lets the kiss happen until he realizes exactly what’s happening.He abruptly moves back, pulling away from Brian.

“No. No, no, no.Stop,” Tim protests, mouth still wet with him and Brian’s mixed saliva.He touches his lips with his fingers, wiping them.“I don’t want you to do this because you pity me.”

“I’m not.Tim, I… feel the same things you describe in your poetry.” He bites his lip in what look like nervousness, which is something Tim’s never seen him do before.

“If you’re telling the truth, then why tell me this now?” Tim asks, confusion fueling his almost-anger.“After half a year of fumbling around awkwardly together, you didn’t even _once_ think that maybe you should have said something _before_?Why make me suffer in my own head, wondering every second how you feel about me?”He wants to calm down, and he shuts his eyes to try to focus on nothing.His words hang in the air, the confession that he’s been so terrified to say aloud.

“Does it really matter?”Brian’s words are feeble, but they bring Tim back to reality.

Tim thinks for a few moments, gaining back his self control. _Does_ it matter?Brian wants him in the same way that he wants Brian, even if it’s much later than he would have liked.He sighs. 

“I guess it doesn’t matter, does it?”He smiles softly, looking at Brian.The way that Brian can always somehow make him calm again is amazing.“I don’t deserve you, you’re too good for me.I’m bad for you.”

“Maybe I like a bad boy.”Brian waggles his eyebrows, making Tim laugh.

“Shut up,” he says, playfully shoving Brian away.

 

 

**V. End.**

 

Tim stands in front of the small tree, out back behind the school.He stares at the patch of dirt below, where a small wooden stake has been driven into the ground.The breeze blows leaves around on the field, creating a constant rustling noise.

“Brian,” Tim says.He kneels down and touches the stake, fighting the urge to cry.“I… have nobody left.” His voice cracks, and he puts his face in his hands.How could he do what he did?He hates himself for it, he’s never going to forgive himself for leaving his best friend to die back in Benedict Hall.Of everybody involved in the whole fiasco, Brian was the least deserving of death.

That thought keeps Tim up every night.It shouldn’t be Brian who fell to his death, whose body disappeared.It should be Tim.

The pain in his head is back, and he pulls a small yellow bottle out of his jacket.Despite it being a new coat there’s already holes in the pocket, large enough that he can’t keep loose change in them.He used the last of his money buying it, having thrown out the yellow-brown one that he used to wear a lot.Now all he has is the money left over from Jay.

The thought of Jay sends his mind reeling.Another person he was unable to save, another one who should be alive instead of Tim.He shakes his head and pops off the cover of the bottle.He puts a pill into his mouth, dry swallowing it.

“Brian, I… I’m so sorry,” he can barely get the words out, staring down at the makeshift grave again.“I’m sorry.”

There’s so much he wants to say, but he has no idea how to say any of it.All he can do, is say sorry over and over again, as he fights back his emotions.He stays in front of the grave for what feels like forever, before standing back up.

“Goodbye, Brian.I won’t forget you.”He wants to say three more little words, but finds himself unable to.Moving on is the hardest part, that’s what his doctor says.And she’s right.There’s no way Tim can move on from this.He doesn’t want to.Brian was one of the only people he ever cared about.He turns away from the grave and begins to walk away.

He may be leaving this town forever soon, but he will never forget, no matter how far away he goes.

 


End file.
